swirling array

I know I should be sleeping right now. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I planned to go to bed hours ago. In fact, I planned to go to bed hours ago twice now. Once was around 10, but then I couldn't help it and stayed up messing with my ringtones and had the briefest of conversations with Callalily. And next was just after that before I divulged into a 185 page book and couldn't stop. While it was good, and full of drama, probably a little cliche, and right up my alley for types of books I felt a compulsion stronger than interest driving me this morning as I read. It was more to get lost. Do any of you notice how wonderful it is to read simply because you can get lost into some other world and the one you're living in disapears? It's not as if I have any pressing issues on my mind, or problems that I would want to avoid. But I suddenly have the very strong urge to cry. And not because the book was beautiful, even though it was, but because I'm back to reality. Whenever I finish a book I can't start another one for that entire day because I'm just so wrapped up in the blanket and atmosphere of the book, the new one just doesn't seem to quite take. But today...today I just want to read. I want to read until I can't read anymore and then dream about the world of the books. But what I don't understand is, why? What has got me wanting to run? Is it something that I am feeling that I am conciously not aware of yet? or is it a premonition of unpleasantness to come? or is it just that I've been missing school, Disney, and Callalily that I just want to go to and experience a world where there is completeness, real or not? I don't know why it should even matter, but I feel like my head is buzzing with a thousand thoughts, yet I cannot understand any of them. I feel like I have a lot to think about, but when I sit down to think nothing comes. Where am I? who am I? and what am I doing and why, what for? I feel like I'm not feeling anything anymore, that I'm just on this plateau of mediocreness. I feel joy and saddness, but nothing intensified nothing that reaches below the surface, I don't even know if there is a below the surface anymore. I feel so strangely calm, but that the peacefullness is making me restless because it's not truly a peace, but a quietness. I don't even know what this means, it's a whole lot of nothingness drug out into a whole lot of somethingness. And how come the nothingness feels so much like something and the somethingness doesn't really feel like anything? I need to sleep, but I think I'm too tired to, as well as not nearly tired enough.