Ther's No Place Like Home (for the holidays)

I am so glad that this semester is over and that I don't really have to think about it any more if I don't want to. I know I have to, but I don't even want to see my grades, I know they're bad and I just want to continue through college not thinking about this semester. I'm so glad to be home for a month!! It has been some time that I have spent time with the family since I only had a week from coming back from Florida to going to school. I didn't want to admitt it in October, when I was having blood tests done for everything that could make you tired. I was tired alllll the time. But I know what it came from, atleast I think I know...depression. Since I started coming out of it, when I went back and read past journal entries and started thinking about things I had been thinking about I wanted to cry because it was just so sad. I was sad then because of how sad I was. My self-esteem went wayyyy down (not that it's ever been really high in the first place) and I didn't care anymore. I never had suicidal thoughts, but I didn't care if I flunked out of school, I didn't find any motivation to do work and do well in school because I didn't care. I just needed people to talk to. Some of this could have been due to the constant peppiness and talking I needed to do while I was in FL but there were other things I was just simply depressed most of the time for no reason at all. I had a bunch of excuses I could give you, and yes I had a lot going on in my life at the time, but normally I would have handled it just fine. But not this semester, I needed more support than I ever have in my whole life and it was also the semester where my support wasn't at IUP. I ate by myself most of the time. And I don't blame anyone else, but me because I did stay holed in my room and was to depressed to ask anyone and I didn't want to intrude. Yet, I still felt upset I was eating by myself and that my support was so far away. My good friends were living off campus so they had no meal plans, too busy and lived too far away for daily contact, graduates, transfers, or never even went to IUP in the first place! I really truly believe that it was the birth control messing with my head. And as a friend put it, "my maternal clock kicking in." For the first time in my life I was tired I was tired of being alone. And even now I still don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm getting back to the point where I'm okay with me by myself. Which is a good thing, because in order to be in a relationship you can't be that needy and you can't be half a person. You'll lose yourself completely in that person and then it's not a balance. And you need balance in a relationship. So after I was depressed it became physical. Then I physically couldn't do anything because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I started to feel the inspiration for school coming back, but by then in my classes I was so far behing and I'd not cared for so long that I was basically lost. I couldn't get a good grade because I'd been doing so bad for so long that it only made me more frustrated. And although this was a bad, and hard, semester there were a long of good things that came out of it that I cannot disreguard. First and foremost, I spent a lot of time on figureing out who I was and wanted to be. And I definately don't have that all complete I doubt I ever will, and even if I did figure it out, I'm sure something would change that would make me change my mind. But I'm well on my way to being a more open-minded accepting person, and jealousy is something I'm having an easier time controlling. I yearn to be someone's first, at the top of someone's list, yet if someone asked me who was first on my list...I wouldn't have an answer, and I decided even if I was dating I wouldn't have an answer. The best answer I could give would be, "the one who needs me most right now." But that's getting off on a tangent... Another good thing about this semester was that because I was in such need of support I got connected with people I'd lost contact with more than I should have. And it's wonderful to be able to talk to all of them again. I also have recently made a new friend :) Because of the situation one would think that it would be awkward, but that's the best part about it, it isn't. It's the exact opposite of awkward and that make me very happy. And lastly, as most of you know, I'm taking the RA class in the spring. I feel like if I see a depressed person I might be able to recognize it, and help out...or atleast connect with them and understand. I never knew depression could be so ugly. I never knew how much life it could take out of a person. I'm still not quite me yet. And because of all the changes I won't be the same me ever again (but that's a good thing cause the old me was too close-minded and too passive), but I mean I'm still somewhat depressed I think. But after this break, after time with the family (I was a chatterbox all the way home with my dad and when I got home to both my parents heehee), with a fresh start next semester, I think I'm gonna be okay. I will survive. *starts getting up holds a pen up for a microphone and starts to sing and dance and collapses back down laughing* okay, I'm done now. :) No, not only am I done making a fool of myself..I'm done with this post.