"That's so Gay!"

I am really mad at myself for not having a backbone tonight. I heard that phrase ("that's so gay!") twice tonight and was insulted. The first time, I didn't even realize I'd heard it until it was too late to say something, and even so I was kicking myself for not say anything. But then it got said again...and I DEFINATELY could have said something that time. As always with me *sighs* instead I ran away, literally, I left the room. I went to the bathroom and tried to forget about it. I never realized how hard it was *sighs* shame on me. Part of what I want to change about myself is my shyness and worrying sooo freeaking much about what everyone else thinks. I seek approval, but I want to change that. I want to follow more with my heart and less with my head, I want to be impulsive, I want to be talkative, I want to not fear what others think. And when I say something stupid I don't want it to run in my head literally for years. I could spout off a list of things I've said that I wish I hadn't cause it was just soooo ugh embarressing. I want those to disapear. I want to be comfortable with what I say and who I am and I want to be less judgemental and less jealous, more bold and daring. I want to be me, at the same time I want to redefine the "me" I know. And tonight was definately a step back. But...as long as I keep working on it and make SOME progress I can be forgiven for tonight right? I don't even know why....but right now what I want more than ANYTHING is to fall into someone's arms and have him/her tell me everything is going to be okay and brush my hair out of my face. Maybe I can't change who I am without help. I need someone coaching me and being honest with me and telling me when I'm being stupid but I also need support. And then...I look at my sister. And I KNOW I shouldn't compare. I KNOW I shouldn't I KNOW it. But I can't help it. Her and her boyfriend are so happy. And she has somewhere to be tomorrow while my family isn't celebrating. And sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in this entire world that's single. And I want more than anything to introduce my family to a significant other and vise versa. I shouldn't let this bother me, I shouldn't feel like I have to have someone to be worth something, but sometimes that's how I feel. And I want someone to share this with. I feel better writing in this journal, but it doesn't help me find a shoulder to cry on, and I don't even feel like anyone is listening. Maybe I'm tired of listening to other people and I finally want someone to listen to ME for once. I feel like I'm writing all this so it can go out into the void to disapear. Someone PLEASE tell me I'm not crazy. Let me be the first person someone thinks of before they go to sleep and the last to think of before they go to bed. For once, let me be someone's first. Why the change? Why aren't I satisfied anymore? And I want people to tell me if they have feelings for me, yet I'm too chicken to do it to them. Aside from the person I just told that I should have told a LONG time ago, there's two others I should tell. And I'm sorry I know I'm rambling and it's confusing. But I'm confused!! And I do want everyone to have a good Thanksgiving...it's my favorite holiday and I'm still excited, but..it's different. And maybe having someone in my life wouldn't solve anything I mean I want them basically as a safe haven someone I can run to and cry to and hide from the world with but maybe that's what I need now. Maybe I just need to hide from the world for a while..I dunno I'm confused..and..*sighs* lonely. I'm sorry. I really am usually such an optimist. But I don't know why I'm apologizing no one's prolly gonna have time to read this anyway. But if I do have any readers somewhere out there...I'm sorry I should be happy I know I should, but all I want to really do is cry.