Eavesdropping

Everyone who knows me probably knows about the problem I have with eavesdropping in on conversations. I don't spy, I wouldn't dream of intently holding my head to a door to hear what people were talking about when they left the original room for privacy. However if the conversation is taking place in a public place and I happen to hear something of interest my head has this incredible ability to zone in on that conversation no matter all the other noise around. This particular convesation, that I eavesdropped on today while eating my dinner at the HUB, peaked my interest, because of a familiar voice. The voice sounded so familiar to me. Non-chalantly I looked to my right to see who the speaker was and she looked familiar too with dark hair just past shoulder lenth. Then she mentioned with some sort of annoyance in her voice, "-But to get to the bathroom you have to go through the bedroom, which I didn't want to do, but they're connected and there's no other way to get there." Trying to picture a room set up like that I couldn't but then slowly the pieces began to fall together. I knew suddenly who she was. My friend's roomate. I'm hoping that I'm wrong and that's she's just some other person, because I got the impression that it was her roomate that she was annoyed with and the reason she didn't want to go into the bedroom was because something made her uncomfortable there. *shrugs* I tried concentrating on my book some more and drowning out the conversation, but something was bugging me, and for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't hear the entire conversation, sometimes she was talking too softly but I heard her say she was doing good in some classes, but was doing worst in her communications class, and that was her major. Then she began to talk about a class she had to teach? or something? and then somehow jumped to this one girls presentation. She said the girl had chosen the topic same sex-marriage. To the best of my memory this was her exact wording, "I really didn't like the way she started her presentation, the first thing she said was picture everything, the church, the family members, everything ready for your wedding, and now imagine walking up to the priest and having him tell you he couldn't marry you because the person standing next to you was the same sex as you. I mean that's such a rediculous beginning, why would I want to picture myself standing next to another woman? That's crazy, she could have started it a lot better." I don't know what to make of this. She wasn't necessarily saying that she was against same-sex marriages, but she definately wasn't keeping an open mind for herself if she couln't even at least try to picture it. I really hope that if I'd heard this conversation a year or more ago that I would have been just as appalled that someone could have such a closed mind. But sadly, I fear that that is not the case. When you're on "the inside" or on "the top of the hill looking down" it's so hard to comprehend the "outside" or the "bottom" I'd like to think it's simply because we're ignorant, as bad as even that is, but I fear that that too is not the case. It's a feeling of supremecy. And this is hard for me to admit, I have always prided myself on being able to see others points of view, but I too was more closed minded than I ever thought possible. For one day I wish I could be a poor, blind, bisexual woman, in a wheel chair, with a terminal illness, who was not Christian, who's heritage was half Native American half African [living in America]. And I would be more if I could just to know what it was like....or maybe take a year to be all those things which aren't in the "priveledged" position. Standing at the bottom looking up at ignorance is much harder than I thought, and what's worse is that I was once much higher on the totem pole, and that I'm still ignorant to many things, and I'm sure that unknowingly I too say things that hurt, when I don't even realize it. And again what scares me is that I prided myself on being so openminded. I said to someone about a year ago, "I know..er well I think I'm straight, but if someone should come along, that was a woman, that I happened to fall in love with, I wouldn't be opposed to it." But it was nothing compared to actually being on the "other side of the fense" and I feel...freer, and more pleased for not being so oblivious, content, and ignorant, but also more angry, and bitter. Because there are a lot of people who are where I was and it's unfair of me to get angry with them, because that's hypocritical isn't it? And maybe it's not bitter so much as dissapointment? And while most of the time I don't blame the people, I find myself to the point of finding it hard to understand. I'm over here now and it's changing my world, but yet the rest of the world is unmoved! And my world used to be filled with contentness around every corner and now it's like my "rose colored glasses" are breaking and I'm seeing horrible things. No longer am I content with the world and how things are going. I never before cared about the problems going on around me, somehow things would sort out. No longer am I content with my particular life's plans with the ideals of if I never fell in love so be it, I'd be fine with a coupla dogs for love. But I want someone to share my life with, to connect with, to tell my fears to, to make a difference to. With particular emphasis on the last one. To make a difference to. I know I've affected many people, and I have so many people to love me, that's why it's so hard for me to explain this... I have never had suicidal thoughts, that's ridiculous I looove life and living too much. There's too much I want to do and see and explore and discover, not only places but about myself to and to end that would be insane!! Although, I can see the appeal it could have for some. Just wanted to clarify that before I went on... if I were to have a terminal illness, or some such thing, I know people would visit me. And I know people would love me. But there would be lacking that special connection. I know it would be better off because then at least that certain someone wouldn't exist and so I wouldn't end up breaking their heart, but while I was there scared and worried and everything I'd want more than family and friends there comforting me. I'd want someone who made my heart skip a beat upon seeing them. I'd want someone who I'd told just about everything to. I'd want someone who loved me in more than a plutonic (??) way. To really matter to someone. And that sounds like I'm being ungrateful for the love I have in a plutonic way, but I'm not I truly am thankful. but parfois j'ai besoin du plus [sometimes I need more] or want more in any case. School matters to me. But it's not my priority anymore and I feel like I have no direction. I should just listen to one of my favorite quotes from Ursula K. LeGuin "It's good to have an end to journey towards, but it's the journey that matters in the end." and go on, but suddenly it's not the academic journey that seems to matter anymore. And I keep coming back to the same recurring theme over and over again.... I want someone to love (in that way) me and I want to return it. I feel like I have suuuuch a capacity to, at the same time it terrifies me and I want people to just leave me the hell alone. I don't know what I want, and I don't know why I feel this way I just no I want more out of life than what I have...and if I don't stop soon it's going to consume me. I need to find a way to be complete by myself otherwise one of my greatest fears, being needy, and thereby, less desired, is has a definate possibility of coming true. I'm sorry it's so long and confusing, but I promise to you what I have written here is more definate than what's even in my mind. It's much more complex in my head than written on paper. Any thoughts you all have will be much welcomed, but if you don't have any or prefer to be silent, that's okay too.