3 in a row

Wow!! this is three days in a row I've updated! :)

It was very strange. I was feeling girly this evening. That happens so rarely!! I put on a nice white blouse, nice dark blue jeans, a gold neckalace, high-heeled shoes (*gasp*) and make-up (* bigger gasp*.) And I looked pretty snazzy if I do say so myself. It was definately weird feeling girly though. AANND I chose fashion over comfort tonight. I had been wearing my big poofy down coat aaalll day and it was keeping me so nice and warm and then I decided I was girly so I instead chose my black coat and blue and purple scarf.

I also have to say shame shame shame on me!! Shame on me for feeling this way all semester. I know that I have a right to be selfish sometimes, but really. Even yesterday, there was a program called "tea time with Tedd" and it was before our RHC meeting, so I ofcoarse went down. And I saw a lot of people I knew, but everyone was in the middle of a discussion already and when I walked up I felt like I was intruding. So I chose a spot to sit near another RHC member but mostly I just listened. Just listened and felt sorry for myself (shame shame on me.) It's so hard to start all over again though when you've found a couple of good niches at school, to start over is hard. But I was thinking today, if I could be bold enough, and if I could stop wallowing in what I don't have, if I can make an impact on someone's life the way mine has been impacted, if I can help create a niche much like the one I had for someone else then that would truly be a wonderful gift. I just want to make a difference to someone, but it's hard because I don't know where to start. And I've always been like a parent sitting on the sidelines of everyone else playing. How do I even begin to jump in? It's terrifying. I've always waited for others to pick me up and help me out and make me feel good. When am I going to do that for someone else? I mean I help my friends out, I think, I hope, but when am I going to initiate a friendship and make someone feel as good about myself as others have made me feel in the past? I mean it seems like my whole life was that way. It's reeeally reeeally hard. It requires an entire mindset change, and I don't even know where to begin. I really am a coward and the way I'm living right now is...is...safe, but it's also lonely and it's time I stepped up and did something. It's the what part that evades me. The what part and the how part. What do I do and how do I get there? And I suppose the who part too. Who do I want to be. Not really who because I want to be me ofcoarse but...not this me. *sighs* I don't know how to explain it but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere I keep coming back to the same situations never learning from them and I'm not doing anything but thinking about what I don't have instead of ways to create something better. Because I'm not the type to do that. But I think I'm going to have to be to get any sort of happiness going. I dunno. I just feel so...trapped. Trapped within the confines of my life and ways of thinking. I feel like my mind is expanding and my personality wants to expand with it but can't. I dunno that's the best analogy I can come up with and it still doesn't describe what I feel. I dunno it's so hard, so hard to explain, and so hard to live with. Sometimes I think that's why I shut down sometimes because it's so hard to deal with, I can't, so I retreat. I might read a book, or go into my room and sing, or my newest favorite thing to do make up my own line-dances since I can't remember the ones I've learned before. And I say, "I deserve this time." which only adds to the problems it doesn't fix them. And sometimes I'm not even sure what the problems are! I find myself in general a lot happier lately..but again this comes at a really weird time. I would not have expected to be feeling so well, but maybe it's because I feel like I have a fresh start now, a new and clean slate. I dunno, but I do know that this entry has been long enough and I'm going to go. I hope you have a better idea of what I'm talking about than I do *laughs* if you have any ideas haha let me know ;)