The Lonliness Hole

Damnit! I never knew lonliness was such a hard hole to climb out of.

Let's start this by saying I'm not nearly as depressed as I was at the beginning of the year. Cause then, it wasn't just lonliness it was other stuff too. So, I'm much more happy, I feel more self assured, I feel like things are really looking up for my life, I got accepted to go to New Zealand or Australia this summer, if you want to know more about what I'm talking about visit isv RHC is going much better than it was before, and in a nut shell, I'm happy! But that doesn't mean I'm not still lonely.

Every semester I've been here, I've first of all, always had Daisy as a roomate, and my current roomate is great, she really is, but she's not someone I feel a strong bond to. All of those people are elsewhere and usually busy. And please, please don't misunderstand me here, I'm not complaining, well I guess I am, but I AM greatful to all those people that I do have. I really am. I reeeeally reeeeeally am. But I want someone here to eat with and spend time with and have sleepovers with and watch movies til who knows when with. Right now all that time is spent on HW and other things. My weekends are when I feel it the most. And here's the thing I am trying to "put myself out there" I'm have something to do EVERY night now. Every night it's something or another, or maybe two things that I have to do in some cases. And it's so good to see all those people, but I haven't found anyone to hang out with all the time, or even enough to feel like I have a good and true grounding connection with someone this year. It's likethe more busy I am the harder it is for people to find me so that when I'm not busy, aka weekends, I'm lonely. Of all the battles in my life this lonliness is something that's truly the hardest, because I feel like it's finally gone, like everything's going well, and it is, but then the lonliness comes back. And it makes my heart break for people much less fortunate than I. My home life is more than I could have ever dreamed!! Seriously my aunt and all my family are so supportive of my trip even though they know how much it is going to cost, financially. My friends that I have although maybe far do what they can and I feel so thankful and wonderful. And in my life I have been blessed with soo much love I can't even begin to describe it to you. And still I'm selfish, still I yearn for that good connection, here on campus, this year. And the funny thing is I could be in the best mood EVER. But I'm lonely too, because I don't feel like I have anyone to share it with. And still I'm happy because whatever it was made me in a good mood, but I still feel it far back in my head that tug of lonliness. It's a battle I'm going to have to learn to live with, and one that I do have some control over, but it just seems like the harder I try the lonlier I am. *shrugs*

And again plllleeease don't think I'm ungreatful, I have so much. I feel like the dad from the movie Shall We Dance when he says, "I was so afraid of what you'd say when I told you I wanted more, I wasn't happy, when we have so much." Or something along those lines. I feel ashamed like him, to want more when I have been given so much. But still it lingers. And still it's there. That tug of lonliness wanting to suck me down.