Humbled

I had an entry written about 3 hours ago. I tried to post it and blogger was done. My mood is gone to redo that entry.

Today we had an RHC meeting. I'm not sure how well I am going to do as president. I'm trying I promise I am, but today, and it was only our first real meeting, I felt like I was failing. We have this huge Halls Of Horror event coming up. And I have never liked it in the first place. It's soooo much set-up and it's too scary for me, I will be scared by even my own section of it! and blood and gore and ick. They tone it down for the children of coarse, but still. I don't like haunted houses, and we weren't getting very far at this meeting. We had all these ideas which is great but the event is in two weeks and we have to be realistic here!! We didn't have any time to throw around ideas that we ourselves wanted to do we were too busy trying to get the details done for HOH. I think I am going to help set up and get things ready but once it is I can't be there I'm to chicken to be at my (well partially my) haunted house. We kept getting off topic and I feel like it was my job to keep us on topic. The meeting lasted an hour and half and we got few things accomplished.

Meanwhile, during the meeting FLUSH came to our hall and they were right outside the conference room door. Doing skits, and fun things. Just as we were leaving they decided to sing really sad songs and have a moment of silence for a soldier that was recently killed in Iraq. The RD, Tedd said it was okay to have it during this time, but could we have ended at a worse time? Could we have picked a worse time to have to walk out and lock the conference room door? Making all our noise. And it was humbling. For a while the last two of us, me and the advisor, just sat there lights turned off door opened. We didn't want to go out. And it was humbling. People who really knew him were sad, as they should be, and even though I didn't I was. I wanted to fall down and cry right there on the conference room floor, for all those who did know him, for him, for everyone else that has died in Iraq, and for that matter every war. And just thinking that it could have been anyone I knew any day from anything. I had to pace the room to keep from doing so. Taking, gulping, in deep breaths of air trying to be as quiet as I could. I wish I didn't have a roomate sometimes. I probably would have broken down in my room but she was sleeping. I'm downstairs now. And she turned off my monitor prolly cause she was bothered by the light, but I couldn't see to even find my bed then. So I turned it back on and she woke up for a second. *siigghs* And still I can't get the saddness out of me. It makes me feel like I'm living such a selfish and insignificant life. And yet I feel bad because I can't comprehend what anyone is feeling. Anyone who knew him, or anyone who's lost someone close. I'm not saying I want someone close to me to die, I feel very lucky. But I also feel suerficial, like I have no way to connect with people, as most people have lost someone. And still now I feel my nose and eyes tingling.

It's been a really stressful night and I need to go to bed, but still that won't solve anything. And still my school work piles higher. Maybe tomorrow I will post what I was going to which was a journal entry I did for english class, but right now that feels superficial. But so does school for that matter and everything that I have a love for studying... *siighs**

I appologize I really do, I promise I was GOING to post a happy post. And I can't say I'm always sad or I always feel this way but it always seems I write when I'm sad..and that's been much to frequent lately. I'm so sorry!! You're allowed to stop reading this blog if you're tired of it.